Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
