nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
