i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
