oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Two words: blizzard sex
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
