Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
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