He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
whose parrot is this?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
