I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
