woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You are the jesus of drinking
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
