Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
