I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
