Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
