I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
