my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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