She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
