when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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