So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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