I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
