Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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