Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize