Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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