I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
