My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
