he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Randomize
