Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize