I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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