I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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