i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
