Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
