4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
