This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
