So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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