I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
We had to coat check the pizza.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize