Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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