Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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