literally had 100 drinks last night.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
