swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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