Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
