I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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