The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
high people should be assigned attendants
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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