I puked a lego.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
