OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
