I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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