the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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