you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
