Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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