there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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