i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
