I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize