I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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