just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
