Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
