I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
