Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
