i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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