lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
