So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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