woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
